Letter to My Son

By KCY

Dear A,

On this day that you turn one, I reflect on this past year, our first year together.

Today, at this time, I was being checked into the hospital for my scheduled c-section. Yes, scheduled c-section. I’m sorry to break it to you, son, but there was no crazy pushing and no going into labor. I’d been in labor with your sister for two agonizing days which eventually ended up in a c-section. I was having another c-section because I’d had one already and because there could be potentially be too much bleeding when I pushed. But I digress.

I sat on the table in the operating room while the anesthesiologist placed my spinal. I felt my body go numb from the waist down. My heart was pounding, even though I’d been through this before. After I laid down on the table and they got me ready, they brought your dad in. He was excited. He couldn’t wait to meet you. Nor could I.

The surgeon made her first cut. There was a lot of pressure and then suddenly you were out. I didn’t see you first. I heard you first. You screamed. You screamed like you didn’t want to exit the womb. Like you wanted to go back inside and anything new and unfamiliar, you would scream and put up a fight. Would this be foreshadowing of the future? I didn’t know.

While they checked you, you continued to scream. You screamed and screamed. You screamed so much that everyone in the room, agreed, you had a good set of lungs. They wisked you away with dad to finish getting you all checked out. And then I was alone. No more screaming.

The doctors finished up and then I was wheeled out and into the post anesthesia unit and then my room, where, they you were in your bassinet with dad.

You were so tiny and small. You’d stopped screaming by them and you were making noises in your sleep. Your dad and I looked at each other, then at you, smiling, because you were just the most perfect little boy. Our little boy.

As I look down at you sleeping so soundly in your crib, I can’t believe you are now three times the size you were when you were born. You still seem so tiny, yet you’re not. You’re no longer dependent on breast milk. You eat food! And by yourself! You’re crawling now and soon you’ll begin to walk. And I know even though, I’m tired and I can’t wait for you to grow up, I know that it will be too fast. You’ll be a man too soon. But you’ll always be my baby boy.

Love,

Mom