How to listen

Are you really listening? Without judgment? Without interrupting to give advice? This kind of listening is antithetical to our nature. We want to help, and we equate helping with solving the problem.

Problem: Self-harming loved one

Solution:

• We need to send you to the hospital right now!

• It’s those friends of yours. They’re a bad influence and you can’t see them ever again.

• Get rid of all the knives in the house.

These solutions may all be valid, but I guarantee they will not be well-received if the self-harmer in your life doesn’t feel like you care for her.

What she needs right now is someone to really hear her. That doesn’t mean that you do nothing. But you need to base what you do on what they’re saying, and not on preconceived notions of how to help.

If you haven’t read the “Reasons why people self-harm” section, pop on over to get general idea of why your loved one might be engaging in this behavior. When you talk to them, listen for clues that might reveal their motivation for self-harm. But above all else, be active and engaged, letting them know that you will love and support them no matter what.