When You Get in the Way of You

By KCY

“Whiteman Hall, Whiteman Hall,” I muttered to myself, nervously alternating my gaze between the map of the university in my sweaty hand and the stone buildings around me. I glanced down at my watch. 7:53. I had seven minutes to get to my very first medical school class. I pictured myself stumbling in late, dropping my thick books onto the floor as the professor scowled at me. Not good. I needed help. “Excuse me!” I called out to a figure twenty feet ahead. “Do you know where Whiteman Hall is? I have this map. . .” “Oh that’s where I’m going. My name is Jenny. Come on, I’ll take you there,” she said graciously. I sighed in relief, but simultaneously wondered Is this girl in my medical school class? Skillfully-applied makeup, coordinated outfit. Poised. She seemed so perfect.

And she was. Was what, you ask? Both perfect and in my medical school class. In fact, that very first day I found out that it was a group full of Jennys. They were the cream of the crop. There were people who came from the most prestigious universities in the country. Some had been in the Peace Corps. Some had been Division I athletes. Most had been valedictorian of their class in high school. And these people were not only smart, but they were good looking, too! This brand of intelligent, beautiful, hardworking people would be my colleagues (and competition) for the rest of my career!

That’s when it started. The imposter syndrome. I don’t belong here. I’m not good enough. I know nothing.

So, I did what most girls do, I called my mother and cried, begging her to tell me it was okay to quit medical school. She didn’t do that. “It’s time for you to start making your own decisions”, she said instead, much to my chagrin. “You are an adult now. I know you will make the best decision for you.” I didn’t believe her. 

But I stayed. Perhaps because I was paralyzed with fear. Perhaps because I wasn’t ready to give up on my childhood dream.

I struggled through that first year. My refusal to believe that I belonged there resulted in me isolating from my classmates. I sat alone in the lecture hall, studied in a small hidden cubby in the library, and exercised by myself at the gym. I survived that first year, but I probably made it more challenging and miserable for myself than it should’ve been. And it was all because I couldn’t shake that imposter syndrome.

My second year, I made a change. I began to socialize a bit more with these people I didn’t feel worthy around. And that made school more enjoyable. But, honestly, I never could shake that feeling that I didn’t belong.

Because I felt that way, I ended up selling myself short. I chose a specialty that wasn’t very competitive because I didn’t feel that I was good enough for what I truly loved. I also picked a noncompetitive program to train at because I didn’t feel I could get in to any other of the top-notch programs. 

I can live with the career I have now. It’s not a bad one and I’m grateful.

But I realize now that my lack of self-confidence influenced many of the decisions I made in my career and in my life. I held myself back from shooting for the stars, from pursuing my passions. My imposter syndrome also influenced the way others viewed me, resulting in a less qualified candidate getting a position I wanted. A huge part of this is because the interviewers could sense I didn’t feel I belonged. And if I didn’t reckon it to be true, how could I convince them to believe it?

What I want to say to you is YOU do belong. YOU are worthy. So press on and don’t accept anything less than what you want and have earned. YOU deserve to reach your full potential. YOU aren’t an imposter. YOU are the real thing.