by Elizabeth Yeter

As a little girl, I never thought about the color of my skin. Unfortunately, that isn’t the experience of many women. Throughout my life I’ve encountered friends and acquaintances who grew up thinking they were too dark, too light, too yellow, or too pink. But I thought as a society we had evolved beyond that. So why is my ten-year-old daughter dealing with skin color issues in the year 2020?

Let me explain what’s going on. The problem isn’t that classmates are making fun of her at school. Although obviously that would be offensive and damaging to my daughter, at least I could speak with the principal, who would have no choice but to reprimand the children and follow up with the parents. And let’s take the worse case scenario and say that the administration did nothing about the situation. I could still have a frank discussion with my daughter about racism and how to deal with the ignorant people she is destined to encounter along the course of her life.

But no, the situation is much more complicated than that. The problem is that she’s a dancer and, according to her dance teacher, on the stage she “glows.” Sounds like a compliment, right? But it’s not. Her skin is too white. You see, all the other girls don’t glow, they blend, and that’s what they want my daughter to do too.

And it’s not like it’s a strange request. In the competitive dance world, tanning little girls is the norm. Five-year-olds (and sometimes those even younger) get naked and sprayed down to darken their complexion before every competition weekend.

My concern is the message we send to children when we tan them. Their hours and hours of dance preparation every week isn’t enough. The sacrifice of not hanging out with their friends after school, but going straight to dance lessons instead, isn’t enough. The itchy sequin costumes and spray glue on their butts to keep them from sliding up isn’t enough. No, if they want the best chance of winning, they need to comply with a stage standard that forces them to change something that was settled in their genes before birth.

I want to just say no to tanning, but like I said, it’s complicated. It’s not simply a matter of staying true to yourself and not being judged by the color of your skin. For one thing, the people telling my daughter to change her skin color are adults, and adults that she admires. Second complication: all the other moms at the studio seem to have no trouble tanning their daughters, so my girl really is the anomaly when you see her dancing in a group. I’m not a team player. Third complication: My daughter wants to tan. And sure, we don’t have to take a child’s opinion into consideration, but it’s still a complication.

I want my daughter to love herself. Her physique, her eyes, the distinctive mole she was born with, and her skin. If I allow her to tan, am I teaching her that natural is not enough? That no matter how good a dancer she is, none of that matters if she’s the wrong color? That doesn’t seem like the message I want to send to her or any other young person.

I see both sides, and that’s why this decision is so difficult. I wish I could end this post with a definitive judgement, but as of yet I have none. But when I do finally make the choice, I’ll be careful to make sure it’s based in love and not in fear, with care and not with cowardice. My daughter deserves a mother who has that kind of consideration for her.